What you cannot have.

OK, so I haven't played World of Warcraft for a few weeks now. It started to become a bit of a chore and, I dunno, I guess I got a bit bored of the thing.

Today I was asked a question about flight paths, so I said I'd log on to have a look for the answer. Of course my account is now unavailable because I haven't paid my subscription this month, and now I'm annoyed that I can't get on. I wasn't even going to play the game. But now I WANT TO, because I can't. And I'm sitting here thinking, "my wallet is downstairs. Shall I just renew my subscription and have a game?"

I guess we never change; I'm a grown man (apparently), and yet here I sit there like a spoilt rotten child wanting - needing - what I cannot have!

Someone just smack me.

Hello, I'm Michael and I'm a....

I love being a geek. I love playing World of Warcraft. I love my Mac Pro and my iPhone. And I love being a Doctor Who fan.

I find that I'll happily sit there (wherever I am) and talk about Doctor Who to whoever will listen (or at least appear to be mildly interested at least). I'll happily share the latest news or current speculation on the forums about Donna Noble being back in the specials next year. I'll buy the DVDs and then rip them as MP4s so that I can stream them onto my TV. It means they're available to watch at the drop of a hat. Should I get the urge. I'll buy the books and keep them in order on the shelf. I couldn't read them out of sequence, even though they don't follow on. I subscribe to Doctor Who magazine. It arrives at work in a brown paper bag. My very own porn. How apt. I buy the action figures (I haven't bought "Damaged Cassandra" though. That's just going too far!) and have a small shelf in the lounge where I'm allowed to display the latest half a dozen. The rest are in a box in the loft (it's an office). I think about it more than is healthy, and sometimes I worry about that. Not very often, just sometimes. So it would appear that I'm an out and out Doctor Who freak. Everyone knows it. Everyone accepts it.

However...

Sometimes I see a fan on TV or in real life and they start talking about Doctor Who, and I cringe! To me they sound rather childish and obsessive. They talk about Donna Noble being back next year, and I think "Have you nothing better to talk about?". They talk about their collection of memorabilia, and I wonder if they must be a little silly wasting their money on frivolous stuff like that, and I thank "whoever" that I'm not like them.

And then someone will come up to me at work - a non-fan - and they'll ask me a question about whether Donna Noble is back next year. Like I know? And they'll tell me what they thought of the latest episode. Like I made it?

And suddenly I realise that I am one of those fans. I realise that that's how people see me. And I'm horrified.

But then I also realise that everyone accepts me that way. They like me that way. I don't think they'd have me any other way. So why is it that I have such a problem with being that way? Why do I deny it to myself? It's not like I actually hide my obsession from anyone; always happy to share it with people.

It's like I'm that straight bloke. The metrosexual (who everyone else knows is gay really) who goes to gay clubs and tells everyone about how much he loves going, but he really is straight. And he tells the gay guys that he's so comfortable with his heterosexuality that it would be OK to sleep with another man. And he thinks people just think he's cool because he's so accepting and experimental. The real gays are laughing at him because he's just a knob head really, and his friends are kind of laughing too because they want him to be happy with himself but he just isn't "being" himself, and he's just making a fool of himself.

I'm him! What a tosser!

So ... I need to come out once and for all as an out and out Doctor Who geek ... no ... nerd, and learn to love my inner Whovian. Ugh ...."whovian" ... what kind of nerd invented THAT word!!? Sorry... sorry... I mean... I AM A WHOVIAN! AND I'M PROUD!

So now all I need to do is go to a convention with a Tom baker scarf wrapped around my neck!